aaachhhhhhhhhhhho... excuse me...

there are lot of times when i don't mind people tripping on me... i let them have their free will and don't not get back with wise-cracks which would hurt them.. why is it that i realize that something would hurt and they see right through it...

does it mean that each time someone takes your $hit you run around taking advantage of the situation and make yourself look supposedly like the bigger man...

met someone today... he never spoke to me for like eternity... and today for the first time interacts... his behavior... he either likes me a lot or dun care a flying *u*k about my existence... i don't really care if he hates me or not... but... try keeping off of my back... :(

it hurts when someone teases you to the level of making you feel uncomfortable with yourself... and when that happens is when i get cheezed off to make myself write something like this online... not sure if he would read this... hope he does and gets it... sigh...

instead of working now. i sit and write my sorrows...

plus i tried to be real nice to him... spoke to him about music and likes... but he would end with a statement... about what you ask!!! about me having a cold... aaaaaachoooooo... excuse me if my germs bother you.. i can't help it.. they have a mind of their own...

All alone.... (Saturnus)

"I'm standing here
Watcing the clouds float by
Wondering why the pain never deserted me
The sadness, sorrow, bewilderness that never left
(...the moments of joy I never kept)


I'm flying away


Holding hands with myself
Sharing life with myself
Reaping the loneliness I've sown
In these fields I've always grown
Digging the blackness from my mind
I will die all alone"




This is what i tell myself each time i feel myself getting sucked into loneliness to make me feel better about the place i am going to...

and it actually helps... :) i end up feeling like all that i need is me... forever.. to hold hands with myself and share my life with MYSELF... then... when i think all is done and all is good... begin to imagine what he would have felt while writing this song.. the tune is so, human... it seems so sad, but trying to be reborn as a stronger tune... a mixed, confused set of guitar plucking with bloody harmony just crying at you, but at the same time trying to be strong making me want to be that way too... to be just OKAY with where i am right now...


then i open my eyes.. look back at the present of my future... and i know... i can choose to be all alone or not... i chose...


life...